Feeling Beautiful & Sexy

As mentioned in an earlier post, I subscribe to the newsletters from Michael Webb (a.k.a. “The World's Most Romantic Man”). A recent email had the following reader question and a request for helpful ideas:

I don't feel as beautiful as I once was & I have low self confidence & it's been 2 years since I had my first child & my spouse says "I'd rather be with a fat chick that wakes up and says she's beautiful every morning than with a hot chick that thinks she isn't beautiful" any tips for that?

I use most of your tips but do you have any that would help me feel sexy or that would help heat things up for me?

Not Feeling Beautiful

This question and request has piqued my interest – it is hard to be frisky and playful unless you feel sexy. Not feeling beautiful, sexy or attractive seems to be a common issue in many relationships at some point for both men and women. We all feel insecure for various reasons. And it is not always about body image as many people would expect. Focusing on our body defects is our defense mechanism to avoid more subtle yet significantly more important issues.

Before reading the rest of this article, listen to this excellent, high energy song. It identifies a key characteristic that attracts and turns people on – expressive enthusiasm.

I Like The Way ... by Body Rockers:


Feeling Sexy is an attitude pure and simple. Achieving, maintaining and enhancing this mental state is the tricky part. Without a positive attitude and robust self confidence, it is all too easy to fall into a negative spiral. Rather than looking to reinforcing your sense of self worth, it becomes easier to accept, internalize and rationalize any evidence of personal failure or disappointment. But, if you explore your true sense of purpose you will gain the enthusiasm and passionate energy to quickly rise from this downward spiral. Instill within yourself a sense of purpose in life and you will automatically obtain the confidence and power to feel and be sexy.

Effectively, to feel sexy you need to find your passion, pursue it and thrive on it with vigor and enthusiasm. Take time to relearn what you truly desire – uncover suppressed dreams and aspirations. Take a mini vacation or go some place completely different from your normal surroundings to stimulate creative thoughts and self reflection. Make an effort to rediscover you. The joy and happiness you create by investing in yourself will renew your self confidence, increase your personal power and energize your life. Feeling good about yourself will make you more attractive than ever.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - such a powerfully true statement that most people forget when it comes to their physical appearance and attractiveness. We are conditioned to believe certain body characteristics are desirable. But our true sense of beauty is individually unique – comprising a complex mixture of so many subtle nuances of shape, proportion, color and even movement. Unlike a piece of artwork, people stimulate more than our sense of sight. They dynamically interact with us physically, intellectually and emotionally. There are so many sensory variations but we each selectively focus on certain features and characteristics. We filter out, selectively ignore and even imagine things. When someone finds you attractive, it will be due to a combination of many sensory inputs intermixed with their own shifting thought patterns. This is not something you can ever hope to influence, control or fully understand. But you do have the power to influence your self, how you view yourself and how beautiful you feel.

Learning to ignore social conditioning about what is considered beautiful can be difficult. Weight (body fat) seems to be one of the biggest issues both men and women struggle with. Most issues are usually due to their perception of how others see them. Rather than worrying and stressing out about how others think (usually clouded by their own issues), focus on your personal health and fitness instead. With proper nutrition and regular exercise you will feel better while also increasing your overall energy and vitality. Combine this with fun and exciting recreational activities to enhance your emotional well being and your outlook on life and yourself will improve dramatically. Interestingly enough, with good nutrition, regular exercise and personal fun, you will also renew your sexual energy and automatically start Feeling Sexy.

Some people may suggest that your spouse should provide more compliments and loving attention to boost your self esteem. Genuine affection and appreciation are critical components of a loving relationship, but solely relying on another person for your happiness is self defeating. If for some reason the level of affection your spouse provides decreases, your happiness evaporates possibly at the very time they need your support. Then you both enter a downward spiral where negative moods and behaviors reinforce each other potentially destroying your relationship. Everyone has mood cycles but if you both raise your own self esteem, the dips are less intense and of shorter duration. And, combined, your relationship will have a greater potential for positive reinforcement and growing success.

The above tips are not overnight solutions but are extremely important. There are some quick and easy things that can be done immediately to get you started Feeling Sexy again:

• Take some quiet time to relax (soothing hot bath, candles, incense, soft music) by yourself with no interruptions (kids, phone, etc.).
• Pamper yourself (either alone or with your spouse) with an extra special treat such as a professional massage, romantic dinner, exotic adventure.
• Ask your spouse to handle the daily chores fully for one day so you can totally unwind and mentally prepare for a romantic encounter. (Cross train each other so you can both have a recuperation day)
• Ask your partner to participate in an activity with you. Time together will strengthen the bond between you. Accomplishing something together can be rewarding but be warned that some couples just cannot work together well. Choose an activity you will both enjoy.
• Flirt with each other – mental foreplay is just as important as physical play.
• Read erotic romance novels and short stories – cultivate your own frisky sexual fantasies.
• Ask for cuddle time with your spouse, hugs and kisses (30 seconds or more) actually stimulate the release of rejuvenating chemicals in your body.
• Bee pollen crystals and other natural supplements can boost your energy and vitality.
• Savor and enjoy eating a variety of good food (tasty and nutritious) including fresh fruit and vegetables.
• Go for walks in the sunshine (preferably a natural setting) – Vitamin D makes you feel good and is necessary for your health. Walk alone or holding hands with your partner.
• Share a bottle of red wine with your partner while relaxing – apparently good for the heart and increases sex drive in women. Dark chocolate before bed may also help.
• Ensure you are being romantic during your preferred time of day (morning, afternoon, night). Adapt your schedules if necessary to ensure your playtime is right for you.
• Go out and have fun your way. Enjoy laughing and playing with family and friends. Or watch a comedy privately so you can laugh out loud and fully enjoy it. Remember to smile often – it can even trick your brain into believing you are happy and make it so.
• Masturbate specifically to learn or relearn what turns you on. Concentrate on relaxed sensuality and personal exploration. Also, good orgasms tend to encourage you to want more. Taking control of your own sexuality empowers you to desire more quality sex with your partner.
• Purchase some sexy clothing for in and out of the bedroom – clothing that flatters your body shape, makes you feel comfortable and suites your desires.
• Transform your bedroom into a romantic/erotic sanctuary – a place where you can escape from daily stress or anxiety. Eliminate anything that triggers non-sexy thoughts.
• Ensure you get enough uninterrupted sleep (7 hrs minimum).
• Just do it! – have sex even if you don’t initially “feel” like it especially if it has been awhile. Only stipulation on this tip is that you give yourself enough time to “get into it” – quickies are more appropriate when your excitement levels are already on the verge of exploding.

Note that all these tips are about you. Avoid doing things for someone else – kids, spouse, parents, friends, etc. Others will benefit as a side effect. Do it for you and only YOU!

As an aside, the comment from the woman’s spouse is a not so subtle attempt to tell her that he thinks she is hot but complains too much. And more importantly that he finds a positive attitude to be beautiful. Implying that “fat chicks” are not hot in the same sentence unfortunately reinforces her insecurity. He was most likely referencing her own focus on her post child bearing weight gain. Emotion tends to filter out the logic in the statement. Both men and women unfortunately associate extra curves with ugliness directly or indirectly by comparing people (and themselves) to artificial standards. Only you can stop the cycle by appreciating all your positive traits, improving what you can and accepting what you can’t. And of course know the difference and truly understand what is really important – health and happiness.

How do you help yourself or your partner Feel Sexy & Beautiful?